I Used to Try
by snowvet
Summary: Marlene McKinnon, she was killed two weeks after this was taken, they got her whole family.' - Moody, OotP Marlene McKinnon is mentioned very briefly throughout the series. This is a short take on her story.


AN: Thanks to xandromedax

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I used to try. I had been meticulous about my looks for as long as I could remember. Every morning throughout my years at school, I would spend triple the time of my dorm mates in front of the mirror. When I married, it hardly grew better. I probably spent even more time, occupied only with my appearance.

Strangely, it took Hugh being murdered to snap me out of my long-time obsession. I moped around the house and garden for those weeks after, setting aside my problems and well-being in mourning. In that sorrowful state, I wildly decided to move, to leave the painful memories behind. There was nothing but personal gain in this; the country was becoming dangerous for anyone, be they Muggle, pureblood, or half-blood.

So I packed the house, boxing away mine and Hugh's things separately. I had thought to donate his things to the local charity, wanting to relieve myself of his memory. I methodically worked my way through the house, making the decision to pack the family room last; it was most definitely the hardest. Hugh and I had lived in that room, more so than our bedroom.

On the wall next to the fireplace, Hugh had installed several shelves on which we kept an assortment of items. Our pot of Floo powder, a clock, a few trinkets, and photographs of the two of us. Starting with the Floo powder, I carefully sealed it in; the last time I had checked, prices were spiking. The clock was a wedding gift, it went in next. I wrapped the other items carefully; a few famous wizard figurines that Hugh got from his brother, a decorative box that played a Muggle tune, and his grandmother's candlesticks.

I saved the photos for last, trying my hardest not to dwell too long on them. There was us on our wedding day under an arch of flowers, both smiling radiantly. We had been married in the spring under a light grey sky that promised better days. The next one was our first Christmas together, we had danced around the fairy-lit garden in the snow, careless to the world. We had mostly slid around on the fresh snow, but the moment my sister caught seemed it romantic.

Smiling lightly now, I reached for the next gilt-edged frame, recognising our last term at Hogwarts, on one of the rare days I hadn't felt up to my lengthy ordeal with the mirror. Lily and I were sitting with Hugh and James on the grounds, laughing as if nothing mattered. I remembered that day. The weather had been too inviting to pass up and we all put aside our studying. The others had been there as well; Sirius was holding the camera.

I had never noticed before the caring way Hugh looked at me. I felt indignation that he should do so on a day I had not prepared myself. Then a melancholy realisation hit me. He had never cared how I looked, disheveled or elegant. He had always loved me for me, and I was too shallow to see it. His expression was similar to James', which also surprised me. Lily and James had been in love for several months at that point; we expected their marriage soon after graduation.

Hugh and I hadn't gotten together until their wedding, but we were married quickly as well. Forever was not a certainty and though we moved forward hastily neither of us ever regretted it. I suppose I knew why now. Hugh had feelings for me before I realised he was even interested. We could have had more time together had I not been absorbed in myself.

I set the frame back on the shelf, just barely missing the armchair as I collapsed in my misery. I curled up on the floor, tears running down my made-up face. It had been the first day in weeks that I had actually done it, and now it was regretted. I cried for the first time in days; I had been slowly improving. I resolved as I sat up and placed my back to the wall that I wouldn't succumb again. Hugh would admonish my weakness if he were here. He hated to see me like this.

'You are a Gryffindor for Merlin's sake,' he had laughed often. 'And yet I am the one fighting.' 'You know why I can't, Hugh,' I had responded. 'Besides, Hufflepuffs aren't all wusses. I know one with a few redeeming qualities.' 'A few?' he had teased, wrapping his arms around me. I smiled at the memory and wiped my face. Make-up smudged onto my hand. Despite all the practice, I had always been lousy with the make-up spells that prevented that.

Once I had washed it all off, I trooped back to the living room. With one sigh, I began to unpack the room. Feeling better, I fixed myself a plate of eggs as a late breakfast and pondered my decisions. Thoughts jumbled themselves in my mind, vying for attention. From here, it seemed as though my choices numbered in the infinite.

Somehow, I sorted them out. My path was clear. I would not move; I felt a stab of guilt for trying to leave Hugh behind me. I would still donate most of his things, keeping a select few items. I couldn't run away from pain or sorrow. I spent the rest of that day unpacking the house, setting everything back into its rightful place.

The next day, I contacted Lily. I knew that she and James were in the Order of the Phoenix, a secret organisation, the one Hugh had died for. I had been fired from my job at Flourish and Blotts when I stopped showing up for work. I wanted to join, to help the cause he had given so much for. I would carry on his work. I would be the person he wanted me to be.

I had not previously joined because belonging to the Order had become a full-time occupation for him and we needed someone to pay the bills. I was that someone, working long hours to provide for the both of us. I had money saved away, as did Hugh, in a Gringotts account, and resolved that in these days savings hardly mattered.

Three months later, I was fully active, doing my best to stop the rising threat that was Lord Voldemort. I had adopted a young girl who lost both parents in the war. We became close, both having lost family members. Hugh would have loved her, I know, seeing photos of her, me and him together on the same shelf.

It was a different existence that I led. I had been separated from the world for those desperate weeks, and even before then most of my close friends were in the Order and had no time to spare for me. We became closer than ever, though in a slightly different way. We never knew who would be alive the next day and took to spending every free moment together, laughing to ease the tension.

Emma was well taken care of by the entire group. Many of them disagreed with my decision to adopt her, given my career path, but they grudgingly accepted the choice. My friends took turns watching her- there was always someone present at headquarters. Lily paid Emma the most attention; Emma was happy to oblige. I had no way to know if my position as her guardian was the best for her, but I was not about to leave her alone when we had discovered her alive beneath the Dark Mark and her parents dead.

I no longer tried to be someone else. It was too hard, feeling imperfect all the time, for perfection hadn't existed in the previous time. I had better things to worry about. Now I was me, perfect simplicity. I lived off of friendship and adrenaline and looked back on Hugh with pride and love. My time was now and I wasn't afraid to die, though it wasn't a habitual thought.

It hadn't really crossed my mind until that night. Really, not even then. I hadn't fully comprehended the sight of the Dark Mark above my house when I entered it with my wand drawn. My only thoughts were of Emma, keeping her safe and unharmed. I wasn't shocked to see a number of hooded figures standing in the destroyed family room. It was instinct now to fight and I shot a round of spells off before one of theirs caught me. As the jet of green light inevitably hit my chest, my thoughts were of pure bliss, and then there was nothing.

Marlene McKinnon

1959-1981


End file.
